Charlie the Wonderdog Parent Guide

Danny (Dawson Littman) and his dog Charlie (Owen Wilson) have been inseparable since they were both very young. But now Danny is a teenager, and Charlie is too old to play or even get up the porch stairs. One night Charlie is abducted by aliens, along with the neighbor’s cat, Puddy (Ruairi MacDonald). With their now enhanced DNA, both Charlie and Puddy discover that they have acquired super abilities, including the ability to talk to their humans. Charlie puts his new powers to use helping people but Puddy is busily hatching a plan to use his powers for much more devious purposes. 

I have been a film critic for six years and have watched hundreds of children’s movies, most of them ranging from average to bad. So, believe me when I say that Charlie the Wonderdog is one of the worst films I have ever had the misfortune to watch. I have never walked out of a theater mid-screening before, and it took every ounce of self-control I have not to make this the first time. I briefly considered going back to grad school just so I could write a dissertation dissecting all the ways in which this film is an abject failure. 

The problems begin with, and are mostly rooted in, an incredibly weak script. I know children who could have written a better story than this. The plot is thin, yet weirdly convoluted. It’s very obvious that someone had the idea of a superhero dog but not much else, so the film meanders around for a while trying to kill enough time to be considered a full-length movie. Story elements are set up early that don’t come back until the very end, but other important plot points aren’t set up at all and come out of nowhere. 

The weak story is bad enough on its own, but this movie is also gross to watch. I am resigned to potty humor and fart gags in a children’s movie, but this production revels in spit and boogers to the point where I had to look away from the screen more than once. 

Aside from these issues, the script manages to be overtly offensive as well. There are numerous fat phobic “jokes” as well as a gag that is obviously meant to be an insult to trans people. I was appalled that any of this got past multiple levels of approval, and it’s another example of just how little any of the people involved in this film cared about making something remotely good. This film is the opposite of art. The world is a worse place because this movie exists. 

The only even slightly redeeming quality of this film is that there is little negative content aside from the potty humor and aforementioned offensive “jokes”. There’s a small amount of superhero antics and moments of peril, but far less than many major family flicks. However, none of that matters because this production is so irredeemably bad that no parent should ever subject their children to it. I feel like a bad mom for having taken my son to the theater with me. The psychological damage he suffered tonight will haunt me with guilt for the rest of my days. But hopefully my sacrifice can save some of you from the same fate.